I think part of why July and August were more tolerable is that I not only the hope of leaving my crappy job, but going to a job I've wanted for like 5 years. Since I haven't heard back in about two months, I think that ship has sailed.
I've also been more than a little messed up by my last relationship. Stupid boys. But mostly stupid me. I spent 4 years with a boy who I knew wasn't right after 6 months. That's nobodies fault but my own. And I feel terrible about how much I hurt him over the years together. And I feel endlessly confused by how much I miss him even now when I know it was such a bad relationship. Ugh. What a pain.
And I'm not even up for recounting what it's like taking care of someone you love who is dying. Or that moment when they go from someone you love into something straight out of a horror movie that you are quite honestly completely terrified of.
I probably need therapy after this year. Good gracious.
Furthermore, not to sound like a crazy hypochondriac, but I've been reading a lot about adult onset ADHD and think I may have it. Either that or early onset Alzheimer's because I can't concentrate on anything anymore and it is making life incredibly difficult.
I like to hold onto how much can change in a year, because at this point, it's really got to be looking up right?
I just have to make it to November for my job - I have to come up with two more months of rent - and, honestly, if I completely lose my mind, just one. I have one months expenses saved up. Then I can just leave this job.
To make everything even crazier, I have an ex-social experiment who has popped back into my life this summer and I don't know what the hell is up with that. I feel like if you can't stop thinking about someone for 6 years though and they turn up and want to give it a go again... it's better to actually try this time. There's no doubt that having him in the back of my mind destroyed a few previous relationships. Probably also the last one a little.
But it's kind of nerve wracking to make plans to meet up with someone that you've put up on a crazy and undeserved pedestal in your mind and haven't seen in 5 years. But, yay, I have two more months to totally dwell on that like a crazy person.
And to remind myself it's better to not quit my job until after November.
Also, I wonder if all of my wandering and discontentment comes from a disconnection with God. I think it's a real possibility. But I also think sometimes some things done can't be undone and they are what they are... but I ALSO think that's maybe just a lazy approach too.
So mostly I have no idea what's happening anymore and would just like to not be sad for a little while. That would be incredibly swell. And maybe by September 2015, I won't be.