Melissa (skielf84) wrote,
Melissa
skielf84

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I wish every time something large changed in my life I didn't get so stressed out that I can't eat and the only thing I want to do it curl up in my bed and sleep.

That being said, I've got a new job. Which is nice, because I really wanted to get off of the road. However, I will miss my boyfriend, who is completely set on staying here for 4 more years to qualify for a pension. At the end of the day, we were never going to agree about what we wanted in the future off the road, so me hanging around, doing a job I hate, for 4 more years makes no sense.

The new job seems like it may be a good one. The guy who interviewed me, my new boss, actually seemed really cool. I felt even better about this when one of my references told me that he seemed really cool when he called them too - so at least it's not just my perception. The benefits are pretty good too and it's a 25% increase in my salary. Granted, I'm about to go rent an apartment for the first time in years, so there goes that money.

But it is nice to know that I can afford to pay for an apartment. That I have managed to pay off all of my debt this past month. That I have an adequate enough savings account that I can just up and leave my job here and be able to afford all the expenses of relocating my life. So that is good.

Signing a lease really freaks me out. I've gotten way too used to being a nomad. But honestly, this train traveling around the US has nothing on the globe trotting cruise ship life. Really I think I'm just starting to feel a little weird about getting older and I miss all the freedom and crazy adventures of my early twenties, when I felt like I had all the time in the world and anything could be accomplished. I don't actually feel that way anymore. I feel like the time has come to make some decisions and they're the type of decisions that will now guide the next 40 or so years of my life. One of those decisions includes pretty much walking away from a 4 year relationship. Which feels like a failure and makes me pretty sure I will die alone. I don't even like cats. There will not even be cats to eat my rotting body on my empty apartment floor.

And on that subject, all chemo has also failed my grandmother, and she seems to be getting worse very quickly, so I'm really just hoping she makes it until I move back close to home, since a big reason I started looking for jobs in the tristate area was so I could spend more time with her. So that is extremely stressful to me.

Also, I have no idea how to find an affordable apartment in NYC. I have much stress and I just want to sleep. And venting it didn't actually help as much as I'd hoped.
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