Melissa (skielf84) wrote,
Melissa
skielf84

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On Growing Up Some More

Sometimes I’m endlessly surprised by how strange my life is turning out to be. I’m currently on the train going from Hershey, PA to Omaha, NE and right now I’m somewhere in the middle of nowhere Iowa… and people are all leaning out of their back doors to take pictures of the circus training trekking along behind their backyard. But to me this is just a regular day. The same way people freak out to come across the elephants walking from the train into the arena each week.

I kind of wish there’d been more of a warning though about the way this weird life goes back in college when I was still going back and forth between being a high school English teacher or following this theater thing and seeing where it went. Because sometimes I look at my photo albums somewhere like Facebook and I actually can’t believe all the things I’ve seen and done or the fact that I’ve managed to do them all while stage managing and other times all I can think about are all the normal things I’m missing – time with my family, settling down and starting a family of my own, having a home, living in one place for more than 6 months at a time, never seeing my friends. I sort of wonder when I’m old if this will all be worth it.

What if I never do wind up doing any of those normal things? I’m not even sure if I could anymore. I feel like if I ever did try to settle down, 6 months in I’d just want to move onto the next thing. I feel like when I’m 75 though, I will look back on all this and feel like I was chasing the wrong things.

What if every choice I’ve made has been the wrong one? How do you shake that feeling and move past it? Maybe if I were more successful and felt like I was actually achieving something with my career, because it all honestly feels very pointless lately.
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