Melissa (skielf84) wrote,

Chapter 4: In Which I Reconsider Whether or Not Academia is Even for Me

So a few more months have gone by during this crazy English grad school adventure and the only consistent thing has been a nearly overwhelming urge to go back to work. I keep thinking I must have been out of my mind to give up a job traveling the world and stage managing to get another Master's degree. For pete's sake, how many does a person need?

Not to mention, I really don't like the contemporary theme of our studies. Granted, I was well aware it was a contemporary focused program, but I thought I might like it. I always thought I had no interest in theatre history, but now I think I do actually. Not even that, I think I just really like rules and structure and getting pissed off and bored really quickly when there are no such guidelines.

And it's really demoralizing to have to act as a solid have of my grade. Because, well, I can't. Not only do I hate it. I don't just hate it, I fucking hate it, plus whatever plethora of stronger words than fuck there are to add to that. And since it's half of my grades, I'm just scraping by. I'm not a scraping by type of person! Ugh.

So the only thing I've decided 100% is that I will not be going on for a PhD ever if any form of performance is involved. I'll stage manage, definitely. I'll even design if I have to, despite not having done that since I was an undergrad. But performing. Not a freaking chance. This entire year, I've enjoyed being onstage for roughly 10 minutes, and that was because I was hiding behind my trumpet and actually felt comfortable.


In other news though, I've survived one semester. Next semester starts on Wednesday, so maybe it'll be a little less traumatic. Or maybe I'll be more properly resigned to sucking. I don't know. My thesis proposal is due in about a week as well, which I guess I'd better actually get working on.

I hate being so far from everyone I care about all the time. I'm really REALLY sick of being apart from Tim for the most part since June. I've seen him for less than 30 days in 8 months. That's ridiculously lame. And I miss all my friends from work and being busy all the time doing something I'm actually good at.

On the slightly positive side though, I finally got a decent job with much better hours than working in the school theatre, which was like 4 hours of work a month. I'm a student tour guide. I really feel like I've regressed like 8 years doing this job, but whatever. It's nice to be making a little cash. I'm going to Holland and Belgium during spring break for a week. I joined this swimathon thing where you swim the width of the English Channel over a couple of weeks to raise support for cancer stuff (speaking of which, if any of you out there who actually still read this wanted to support my crazy swimming cancer thing, especially since I suck at fundraising and am super behind you could follow this link and donate 5 or 10 pounds and I would think you were amazing - I'm looking forward to seeing some cool plays this semester and going to London to see a One to One Festival. And when I go to London, a friend of mine from college is likely to be there that weekend too, so I might meet up with him for a pint.

I guess life could be a lot worse, I'm just really looking forward to this school year ending. I feel like I have a near insurmountable amount of work to do before leaving in June. On the plus side, I'll be back to work in Alaska on the Oosterdam as of June 18th, so things are looking up.
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